New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
