I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
