Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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