Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
