That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So much rum. So many feels.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize