i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
