i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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