and she was petting her beer can
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
