I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
