When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
