I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
