meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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