I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
