i'm signing you up for texting rehab
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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