respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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