Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
