there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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