peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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