Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
