When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think a kid would responsible me up
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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