I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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