Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
