You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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