I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
