we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
