I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
