We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
