I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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