My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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