What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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