apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize