But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
