Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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