Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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