A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i love accidental penises.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
