I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
