Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
