I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
