You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What drink are we having for lunch?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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