Please, let me fuck your mom
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
