i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize