I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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