drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this beer tastes like vomit already
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize