Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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