I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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