Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
