Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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