Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
