I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
