took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
