he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
