i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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