who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
