I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
