Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
