I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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