I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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