I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
