Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
