Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
